They Eat Brains, He Eats Ramen (Rewritten and Revamped)
by soulful-ginger
Summary: The remake of the original. Naruto is on a holy mission to prevent the utter annihilation of another universe. NaruXHarem


**This is the first entry in the rewrite of They Eat Brains. Admittedly, I allowed the original to…slump. In this there is no evil council, betrayal, or Naruto sacrificing himself. Naruto will be cool, calm, sarcastic, and calculated. Colin and Rose and Haru will still exist, just much differently. Please bear with this.**

Aim for the head.

Aim for the fucking head.

"Naruto, three to your left."

"A dozen more coming down the street!"

"I'm running low on chakra, Captain!"

"There's too many! We're being overrun!"

"Enough! Keep your heads clear; we're ANBU for a reason!" Naruto barked and drew his katana, slicing through the head of some random Chunnin that had been unlucky enough to be bitten in the waking chaos that was Konoha. It was the fourth day of the siege of the Village Hidden in the Leaves by an army of undead that seemed to never end.

"How can we keep calm when we're going to die!" shouted a shinobi to his right.

"We should leav-"

"Anyone who deserts I'll kill myself! We still have civilians to evacuate and we will get them out! Understood?" Naruto growled from behind his Fox mask.

"H-hai, captain" the shinobi got out through his rattling teeth.

"None of you will die on my watch. We've got luck tattooed to our asses!"

"Kishimoto, what the fuck are you doing?! Aim for the head!" Kakashi shouted.

Naruto smirked.

He could always count on Kakashi.

"Their numbers are thinning, keep it up!" Naruto laughed as a line of exploding tags wreaked havoc on the shambling horde of corpses.

"**Chidori!"** came a cry from his left as an ANBU with raven black hair ripped a hole through the frontal lobes of a group of walkers.

"Not bad, Sasgay. One day you could grow up to be as big and strong as me" Naruto chortled and reengaged a reanimated jonin.

"Bite me…Captain" Sasuke grunted and drew his own katana.

"I thought Orochimaru already did that?"

The pair laughed as they leapt from their positions and engaged at will, leaving bloody chucks of once-humans as they raced down the destroyed streets of a once proud village.

"How are Danzo's ROOT doing downtown?"

"The bastard may be crazy but his troops are some of the most effective we have right now."

"I'm thinking we can end this today" Naruto grinned.

"Oh, really? How?" Sasuke was understandably skeptical.

Naruto's only response was to hold up a kunai.

A tri-pronged kunai.

"You perfected it, huh?" Sasuke raised one of his eyebrows.

"No, I just like holding tri-pronged kunai. It gets me off" Naruto made some hand seals before disappearing in flash of gold.

"Smartass" Sasuke chuckled before pulling the ANBU back to watch the show that was sure to unfold before them.

All around the village, shinobi and civilian alike cheered as they witnessed flashes of gold everywhere. They could have sworn they'd heard a hearty laugh after each flash dissipated but it was chalked up to fatigue.

It had taken four days, thirteen hours, twenty-three minutes, and eleven seconds but…Konoha was safe and for Naruto…that was a good day.

***Two Hours Later***

He, Sasuke, and Kakashi stood atop the Hokage Monument and gazed at the dipping sun. All three were smoking a victory cigar, all cherry flavored.

To honor their fallen teammate.

"She really would have loved the view" Sasuke shifted and lifted his daughter onto his shoulders.

"Yeah, Sasgay…She would've" Naruto reached up and ruffled his god-daughters raven and pink tresses.

"Daddy, why does Uncle Naruto call you Sasgay?" little Mikoto Uchiha looked down at her father in question, her little eyebrows knit together in confusion.

The effect was devastating.

"Well, once upon a time there was a weird snake pedophile named Orochim-"

Naruto was cut off by a hand over his mouth and a death glare from Sasuke.

"Daddy, what's a pa-po-pedophile?" Mikoto struggled to get the word out of her five year old mouth.

"I'll tell you when you're older."

The three adults chuckled together as they watched the sun finally dip behind what remained of Konoha, looking back at memories passed.

Tonight, they'd celebrate.

Tomorrow they had work to do.

***The Next Day***

"As per your battlefield performance, we've decided to grant you the title of ANBU Commander. You saved us all, Naruto Uzumaki" Tsunade Senju hugged her fellow blonde tightly, tears flowing freely.

"Just doing my job, baa-chan" Naruto grunted as the hug quickly became a death trap.

"What did I tell you about calling me that?" Tsunade growled as she tried to suffocate the blonde, incidentally using her massive bust.

Somewhere, a certain perverted sage felt insanely jealous.

After he was released from his…torment Naruto spoke up," Do we have word from the other Hidden Villages?"

"All villages reported your plan as a total success, little to no casualties. Hell, Cloud wants to make you a national hero" Tsunade chuckled.

"Tell them I'm alright with just being another nameless ANBU. After all, we still have pockets of the bastards to clean out."

"We can handle it, Naruto. You need rest and we need a chance to rebuild what we've lost" Tsunade gazed at the village that stood before her, bruised and battered, but still standing.

"But-"

"No buts, I'm giving you a direct order for bed rest" Tsunade pointed at the door.

"Fine, but if any situations come up I _will_ be on the front lines" Naruto grinned before departing via the window.

***Naruto's Home***

"Oh, sweet Kami! Yes!"

"I can't feel my legs, Naruto-kun!"

To say Naruto didn't sleep was an understatement. He had three settings.

Killing.

Eating.

Fucking.

Anyone could guess which setting he was on.

He was currently pounding a _very_ happy Hyuuga from behind and had just exhausted a certain snake mistress.

'_Kurama, have I ever told you how much I love your energy reserves?'_

'**As long as you save some for me too, Naruto-kun.'**

'_I wouldn't dream of disappointing my Foxy-chan.'_

Hinata cried out her orgasm and Naruto felt her walls clench, sending him into the erotic bliss of his blossoming release.

No one was surprised that the blonde could pull in more than one girl. His ANBU training had filled his body with rock hard muscles and put a pretty penny in his already swollen bank account.

'_Being the sexiest bastard in the Elemental Nations doesn't hurt either.'_

'**You forgot humble too.'**

Two pairs of arms wrapped around his body and pulled him back onto the bed.

Bed rest.

Right.

***Later That Night***

'**Naruto-kun, we have something very important to dicuss.'**

Naruto soon found himself the familiar sewer that was his mindscape, "What is it, Foxy-chan?"

"I believe I can answer that better than her" came a new voice from behind.

"Okay great, there's a stranger inside my head…That hasn't happened since I dared Ino to-"

'**Naruto-kun. Shut up.'**

"Roger that."

Out from the shadows stepped a woman of regal beauty. White hair, angular face, blue eyes.

Naruto mentally undressed her," Who are you?"

"I am Kami."

Naruto undressed her faster.

"So you're…God? Did someone spike my sake again?"

"So the savior of Konoha is a sarcastic asshole. Great" the woman spoke.

"And proud of it. Now, why are you here, 'Kami'?"

"Simple. To transport you to another dimension to deal with another outbreak of the undead."

Naruto cocked his head to the side," I've really got to stop drinking after midnight."

He felt a claw smack him in the back of the head.

"You are the Child of Prophecy, are you not?"

"I am. How do you know of the prophecy?" Naruto got serious.

'**Well, she is God.'**

'_Not now, Foxy.'_

"The Child of Prophecy is the catalyst of hope in whatever world he resides in, you are not the first but I hope that you will be the last" Kami stepped towards Naruto and placed her hands on his cheeks.

"How can you prove to me that you're Kami?"

"Well I do have those pictures of you at the Christmas Party" Kami trailed off as she noticed Naruto pale.

"No copies should be left" he shuddered.

"I'm Kami. All seeing? All powerful? I think I can get a picture of you running around Konoha-"

"So you're Kami! Cool!" Naruto interrupted.

'**What universe needs the assistance of the Child?' **Kurama voiced her question.

"A universe where chakra does not exist, they are defenseless."

"You're God. Why don't you help them?"

"My power cannot interfere with the prophecy that is in place. Only you can help those who cannot help themselves."

Naruto sat back and contemplated.

Leave and possibly die, but help those who can't help themselves?

Or stay and have sex.

Fucking righteous sense of duty.

"Show me this universe."

Kami waved her hand, a portal shimmering into view.

A tall city stood before him, full of life and noise. Children laughed with their parents, couples walked hand and hand, babies cooed happily.

All that mushy shit that was bound to make Naruto feel compelled to protect them.

It was working.

Not even a few blocks away, deep in the alleys, the infection was growing. First with the homeless, then passerby's, it was branching out and moving like a tide of rotting flesh and shattered teeth.

"When is this happening?"

"Two hours into the future."

"Fine, gear me up" Naruto clenched his fists tightly as the infection spilled onto the streets.

"Really? Just like that?" Kami mused.

"I will never sit by while people need help. Now are we going to stand here talking or are you going to gear me up and send me to kill some shit?"

Kami just snapped her fingers.

Instead of just being in a pair of shorts, Naruto was now dressed to kill.

Literally.

He was back in his ANBU gear, mask and all, his sandals replaced with combat boots.

The portal widened, allowing him entry into the world that lie beyond.

"Oh, by the way, Kami" Naruto half-turned his head.

"Yes?"

"I expect congratulatory sex after I win" he smirked before stepping through.

'_Doesn't sound like a bad idea.'_

***Tokyo, Japan***

Naruto grumbled to himself," Stupid metal death traps."

As soon as he'd stepped through the damn portal, he'd walked into a busy street and had almost gotten hit by a car.

Kurama couldn't stop laughing.

'_Die.'_

An acrid smell gave Naruto a reason to pause and take in his surroundings accordingly. A fire bloomed farther down in the city and he could hear faint screams emanating from the same area.

In front of him lay a large academy of sorts, a man shuffling around at the front gates.

Four people approached him from the opposite side of the metal.

'_No, step away!' _ Naruto growled and shot forward.

He arrived just in time for the first man to be bitten on the arm.

"Mr. Tajima!" cried a busty red-head.

"Move! Start evacuating students!" Naruto roared as he decapitated the undead that had bitten the teacher before ramming his sword onto the now still form of the poor educator.

"What are you doing!? He was-"

"Shut up! Do you see that out there?," Naruto pointed to the fires burning more out of control now," If you don't move and get all of the students out now they will. All. Die!"

"W-who are you?"

"Special Forces" he grunted before jumping away and into the school.

***Inside the Academy***

**Slap!**

"We need to move now!"

'_At least somebody's got the right idea.'_

Three students sprinted out a classroom, two boys and one girl.

"Hey! You're the gu-!"

Naruto was in a cut offy mood," Shut up, we have to move."

"You killed Mr. Tajima!" the brown haired one shouted.

"He was already dead. We need to leave."

"And why should we follow you?" the grey haired teen questioned heatedly.

Naruto simply pointed out the window.

Fire, death, zombies.

It usually got people moving.

"Where do we go?" asked the female.

"Meet on the roof, I've got more people I need to get out" Naruto handed each a tri-pronged kunai.

"What are these?"

"If you get in trouble, pull it out and scream, "I like men!" four times and I'll appear."

The three collectively face palmed but nonetheless, headed for the roof.

A shriek down the hallway drew Naruto's attention.

"Ms. Marikawa, stay behind me!" cried a voice.

The voice was quickly swallowed in a chorus of moans.

A quick shoulder to the door shattered it into splinters and Naruto was a blur of blood and steel, his blade cutting through flesh like it was paper.

Unfortunately, it was too late for one person. A young teenager, glasses and a mop of dark hair.

His blood stained the floor in an abstract, crimson painting that Naruto knew all too well.

"You're going to die in a few seconds, then get up, and then try to eat the people you love. Do you want that?" Naruto put it simply.

"N-no…wil-will you make it fast?" the boy coughed up a gout of blood.

"You won't feel a thing. What's your name?"

"K-Kazu Ishii."

Naruto withdrew a pen and a piece of paper before writing the man's name down.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"Making a list of the heroes to be remembered" Naruto stated simply before readying his sword.

"Do it."

In a spray of blood, Kazu Ishii was no longer one with the world.

"Y-you killed him" a shaky voice accused from a corner.

"Right now, ma'am, life and death don't exist. You can come out; I'm not going to hurt you."

Hesitantly, a blonde woman stepped out from the shadows.

"Why did you kill him?"

"Have you not looked around and looked at what happened to other people who've been bitten? You're a nurse, use your head. A virus can be transferred any number of ways but in this case…the bite is the most effective."

"But-"

"We have to move" he grabbed the woman and dragged her along, ignoring her squeaks as she slipped in pools of fresh blood.

"Hey, Blondie-san!" a voice called from down the hallway. Naruto growled at the nickname and readied a shuriken between his fingers and glared at a pink-haired girl running towards him.

Pink hair.

What are the fucking odds?

"Do. Not. Call. Me. That!" he let the shuriken fly.

"No, wait!" the girl squeaked and shielded her face, only to be surprised when she heard a wet thud behind her. One of Them slid to the floor.

"Start paying attention."

"Th-thank you" the girl stuttered.

A boy stood behind her, kind of nerdy looking, holding some odd contraption in his hands.

"I'm Kohta and this is Saya, who are you?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, nice to see other people alive."

"Same here, we thought everyone was dead!" Kohta looked out the bloodstained windows and shuddered violently.

"Listen, I have three people on the roof that I need to retrieve. Meet in the lobby and take Ms. Marikawa with you" Naruto began to hustle down the hallway.

"Wait, do you know how to-"

"Just shut up and try to make as little noise as possible, all of their senses are dead other than hearing. Mouths closed, eyes open."

He was gone when they blinked.

***The Roof***

The air on the roof was thick with the smell of death as Naruto appeared in a swirl of leaves. Scores of the undead crowded the roof, moaning and shuffling aimlessly on the hot tar.

A small, makeshift barricade glinted in the sun and Naruto walked calmly towards it.

What the Hell did he have to fear? He could out-walk the undead.

"Dammit, Hisashi's turning!"

'_Fuck, I shouldn't have left them alone!'_ Naruto flashed over the barricade and rushed around the corner to find the grey-haired teen clutching his infected arm.

"Do it, Takashi! Don't you dare let me turn into one of those things! I want to be me until the end" Hisashi cried out to Takashi.

"You have to do it, Takashi. Otherwise…he'll turn on us" Naruto made his presence known.

"Who are you to say that?! He could live!"

"We can't take that chance, Rei. He's in pain!" Takashi gripped his bat tightly.

"Please, Takashi…just do it" Hisashi bowed his head, leaving him defenseless.

Seeing Takashi's hesitance, Naruto steps in.

"Let me do it, it's my fault you went up to the roof and my fault for leaving you unprotected" he steered the teenager towards the sobbing Rei.

Hisashi found Naruto's sword pointing towards his head," I promise you, Hisashi, it will be painless."

The teenager was confused when Naruto pulled out a piece of paper, a pen, and then asked for his full name.

"Hisashi I-Igou. What do you n-need my name for?"

"It's just something I do. Hisashi Igou, you protected two people with your life at your own peril. You've earned your title as a hero" Naruto brought the sword down and all went dark for the teenager.

With a stomp of his foot he created a small crater in the roof where he placed Hisashi's body. A makeshift grave.

Rei sobbed onto the broken concrete where Hisashi's chest would be as Naruto and Takashi looked out into the city.

"I'm sorry" Naruto lowered his head.

"Couldn't be helped….it's only going to get worse, isn't it?"

"Worse than you could ever fathom" Naruto cleaned the blood off his blade.

"What's the point of living anymore? If we have to keep doing things like this, what's the point?" Rei shouted and cried, almost to herself.

"Rei! Hisashi wouldn't want you to say that!" Takashi went to comfort her, only to stop when she shot him a venom-filled glare.

"And how would you know?! You hated Hisashi because he was dating me! I bet you enjoyed seeing him die!" Rei spat.

**Slap!**

Instead of Takashi, it was Naruto who backhanded her across the face," You listen and you listen close. Never, ever say that again. You lost your boyfriend but Takashi also lost a friend, you're not the only one who's suffering here. Understood? Think about your actions."

Rei was stunned into silence.

"Now hug and make up for Kami's sake. I just saved you a lot of angsty bullshit…I should get a medal" Naruto sighed as the teenagers embraced.

'_Good luck kids, you're going to need it in this world.'_

**Yes, it's different but I put so much effort into this first chapter and I really want to know what you all think! Please review!**


End file.
